fly, you fools (2)
Resignation has found me again. In the most melodramatic of ways, I have accepted failure as a part of my life. I have even come to expect it.
I sit here contemplating the choices before me--fail partially or fail miserably. I could put on a hat and some pants and dash out the door to class unprepared and unkempt, or I could allow yet another absence to be tallied and wallow in misery as I write this entry.
Guilt and Fear have joined Failure and Resignation in my heart's living room. They are frequent guests now. The tea has been poured, the cakes have been distributed, and memories of yore are discussed in front of the cozy fire. Fear laughs as he remembers the panicked look on my face as I realized I was going to fail school for the first time. Guilt joins in, recalling how awful he made me feel when my mother pointed out that I was wasting the gifts God had given to me. Resignation gleefully boasts of his progress with me, how over time he has encouraged me to accept the presence of the other three guests.
Failure notes that work still needs to be done to make me utterly convinced of my uselessness in this world. He scolds the others for their postulation and premature victory celebrations. Suicide has never once been allowed even to walk across the front lawn. Self-destruction and Hate are also kept outside the gate. Though Misery and Self-pity are almost finished moving in, the four guests at today's party sulk in the knowledge that Hope won't stop hovering around the corner, as beaten and bruised as he is.
I am not quite sure what to do with all these unwelcome guests. I am weary of their presence, but it is so much easier to send Reality away than it is to face the horrors he brings to light. I am so very, very tired. Tired of fighting, tired of trying, tired of losing.
My only hope is to run to God and to beg for the peace and strength necessary to get back on my feet. Pray for me.
With a terrible cry the Balrog fell forward, and its shadow plunged down and vanished. But even as it fell it swung its whip, and the thongs lashed and curled about the wizard's knees, dragging him to the brink. He staggered and fell, grasped vainly at the stone, and slid into the abyss. 'Fly, you fools!' he cried, and was gone.